Nikola Tesla: The unsung Genius who shaped the modern world. (Part 1 of 2)

 Do me a small favor if you please: Stand upright as if you’re a soldier at attention. Stare at the picture above. With your right hand make a fist and place it over the left side of your chest and quietly say “Thanks T-dawg.” If you actually did it I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Carry on.

You just did a ‘Tesla Tribute Salute’. No, don’t bother looking it up, I made the whole thing just now. I apologize for the dubious looks that you will now get from your colleagues, please assure them that you have not joined a fascist cult.

                                                          The vilest Fascist cult of all.

I figured it’s the least anyone can do to honor Nikola Tesla, the man who gave birth to the modern world. If you don’t already know who he is here’s a rundown:

Nikola Tesla, an ethnic Serbian, was born on July 10, 1856 in Smiljan, Lika, which was then part of the Austo-Hungarian Empire, region of Croatia. He came to the United States in 1884.

Tesla was a highly intelligent, asexual, eccentric scientist who had the uncanny ability to visualize things in his head in 3D and had photographic memory. He spoke eight languages, memorized whole books and blah blah blah…

OK, you know what? He almost gave the world free unlimited energy, alright?! Imagine no monthly bills, free internet (free Porn, you dig?) and better devices. Just think of it.

FREE.

UNLIMITED.

ENERGY.

Motherf****rs.

                                                       ….Tesla probably looked like this too.

  Sorry I’m getting ahead of myself but it just stupefies me that there isn’t a 50 foot edifice of Tesla on every major city in the world. We’ll get back to unlimited free porn-  -power! unlimited free power shortly but first let’s take a look at some (he had about 300 patents worldwide) of Tesla’s inventions, innovations and discoveries that gave us modern conveniences that we enjoy today.

1.)The A.C. Induction motor.

You’ve probably heard of Thomas Edison. Yes folks, the same Thomas Edison that we were taught to revere and say morning prayers to for inventing a lot of modern sh*t that we now take for granted.

Wait, you weren’t instructed to pray ‘Hail Edison’ every morning in your elementary school?

Weird…

Anyway, at the beginning of his career as a sexy, swagger dripping mad scientist, Tesla worked for Edison who we will later learn was a total thieving mega douchebag. Edison once tasked Tesla to improve the design of his crappy DC (Direct Current) generators which was the means of electricity generation and transmission at that time and promised him $50,000 if he completes the job. After months of hard work Tesla came up with a solution. When he asked for the money promised, Edison laughed and said “Tesla, you don’t understand our American humor.”

                                              Wait, These guys are funny? I don’t get it either…

Now I’m not American but I don’t think not paying employees counts as genuine humor in America. Wait. Is it? I dunno I’ll look it up later. So Tesla said ‘Nigga you hustlin’ me?’ or something like that in a Serbian accent. So Tesla left Edison to start a company of his own but lack of consistent funding led him to partner up with George Westinghouse (yup, the brand.) and with enough money he invented the AC (Alternating Current) ‘Poly-phase’ induction motor which was better, more efficient than Edison’s DC generators.

Let me explain how DC and AC motors work and why AC kicks DC’s ass. . . .

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OK, you know what, I really can’t.

                                                                            Me.

                       

  But as much as I understand (Hint: not a lot) Direct Current is OK but transmission loss is heavy over great distances and it requires a power station every two miles so it’s really not that cost-efficient. Tesla’s Alternating Current induction motors do not have this problem because… because… because it’s magic, OK? I dunno. It’s just better, trust me. For more info on DC and AC mechanics here’s a simple explanation:

http://www.lselectric.com/dc-vs-ac-or-edison-versus-tesla/

So this rivalry led to what came to be known as the War of the Currents. DC vs AC. Team Edison (aka “Team Douche”) vs Team Tesla-Westinghouse (aka EPICest engineering team in the world). It was an epic battle and the opposing teams threw thunderbolts at each other, released diss tracks and did drive by shootings with Glocs and Berettas.

OK fine, they did none of that.

                                           Though witnesses say the rivalry looked more like this.

But Edison, true to his asshole self, went as far as electrocuting animals, including a big ass elephant and a convict on death row using AC generators to show that Tesla’s Alternating Current is dangerous, which is weird because ANY electricity is dangerous WHEN YOU ELECTROCUTE LIVING THINGS WITH IT!

                                                                 “How would I know?”

But Tesla played along and as a response coursed AC powered electricity through his body harmlessly during an exhibit to prove it was safe.

I’m telling you, dude’s a wizard.

Eventually AC won and to this day we use AC motors to power households and whole cities. The whole damn planet for crying out loud. And Edi-douche’s DC? Well, we still use them alright. On remote controls, flashlights and gyrating dildos.

Good job, Edison.

                                                     Imagine life without Edison. Tragic!

2. Radio

OK, first of all, Tesla didn’t invent Radio. God did that. Or Chuck Norris. I dunno man. Who the f**k knows. But they are naturally occurring waves that are found everywhere in the universe. But radio transmission was credited to an Italian scientist named Guglielmo Marconi. He was able to send the first trans-Atlantic radio broadcast (the letter ‘S‘, pffff, big deal) more than 2,000 miles from Poldhu in Cornwall, England, to Newfoundland, Canada.

 Using information based on Tesla’s patents on radio frequencies.

Was our homeboy butthurt? Not really. He was even quoted as saying:

“Marconi is a good fellow. Let him continue. He is using seventeen of my patents.”

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Quote from Tesla on Marconi’s achievement. Pretty much.

But when Marconi was awarded the Nobel Prize for his work on Radio transmission sh*t got real and Tesla sued Marconi. Sadly, Marconi had more financial backing and for many decades Marconi was heralded as the father of Radio transmission. But hey, guess who got their sh*t together and finally declared that the inventor who has priority over the whole Radio Transmission shebang was really Nikola Tesla??

Just the U.S Supreme Court.

In 1943.

Just months after Tesla’s death. Damn it.

Poor T-Dawg. But still:Tesla-1, Macaroni baloney-0!

 3. X-ray.

 Who made the 1st X-rays? German physicist Wilhelm Conrad Röntgen did in 1895. Oh wait, he actually didn’t. Or if he did, Tesla beat him to it. Tesla had been working on X-rays as far back as April 1887. But somehow, because sometimes the world is a f****d up place where you can give credit to anyone for anything, Röntgen got the credit for inventing X-rays. And also due to the fact that Tesla didn’t really fuss about who get’s credit for x-rays at that time. Or simply because his apartment burned down, together with many of his documents and experiments on X-rays and other science sh*t that he had been working on at that time so he had no documents to officially back his claim of being the first motherf****r to produce X-rays.

In any case, Tesla had numerous witnesses that he had been conducting independent research on X rays before Röntgen, which had unfortunately been interrupted by the fire in his laboratory. But his indifference on the matter showed that he cared little for who gets credit for it. Classic Tesla. He made lectures about x-rays including basic safety precautions when working with x-rays and supported Röntgen’s work.

                                                          “Whatevs…” -Tesla

4.)The discovery of the electron and quarks.

  OK, I don’t want to bore you with the gory, mindf***-y, scienc-y details but basically here’s what happened (cue pink panther theme):

 In 1891 Nikola Telsa discovered the electron. The end.

Then he wrote to Sir Joseph John Thomson (maybe because he wanted to be pen pals, God knows) saying that he was able to prove the existence of things that he called  “small charged balls”.

                                                                  “No, not these guys.”

                                                                     

Until 1897, scientists believed atoms were indivisible, the ultimate particles of matter. Then Tesla said “Nay, motherf*****s“. The “small charged balls” that Tesla discovered were indeed Electrons. He also talked about his other experiments that led to his discovery of “other particles that had fractional charges of the electron” which were ‘Discovered’ again and named ‘quarks’…

In 1977!

You remember that crazy thing that sometimes happens when people get credited for discovering things that they didn’t discover? Yep. Happened again. Sir Jospeh John ‘JJ’ Thomson won the Nobel Prize in Physics for the discovery of the Electron… in 1906!

We probably know what our hero must’ve responded with.

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More kickass gadgets and innovations from our Tony Stark-Megamind hybrid of a hero that led to almost everything that we take for granted today in Part 2 of Tesla: The unsung Genius who shaped the modern world coming up shortly!

To be continued!

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Note: This is a comedic take on Nikola Tesla’s life and achievements. More on the life and genius of Tesla minus the Fart jokes:

http://www.biography.com/people/nikola-tesla-9504443#!

http://www.teslasociety.com/

http://www.livescience.com/45950-nikola-tesla-biography.html

So you’re going solo this Valentine’s day.

Valentine’s day is coming up in two days. Or is it three? I’m not sure anymore since I stopped trusting my mobile phone’s calendar. I’m convinced that it has become sentient and is indeed trying to sabotage me. But that’s another story, for another time…

So this coming Valentine’s day, among other things like carbon monoxide, allergens and a cornucopia of airborne diseases, LOVE will be in the air! Cheesy love songs from radio stations will once again serenade your ears. Couples holding hands whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears consuming overpriced dinners will be a common sight. Sure enough, these will remind you how pathetic and alone you will be on this day of days when the order of the day is to hump anything that’s willing to hump you back. Of course, like many rational single human beings you wouldn’t admit to the melancholy that’s slowly seeping into every living cell of your being. You probably tell your friends how childish and overrated this ‘Valentines day’ biz seems to you, all the while contemplating on where to sulk and feel sorry for your worthless, unattractive, pitiful hide without your friends seeing you, and your place is out of the question because everything just reminds you of your former love, who’s probably happy exchanging bodily fluids with someone who’s not you, headboards banging and all that.

Awwww, you poor, miserable thing.

Clearly there’s nothing more depressing than being all by your lonesome on the day dedicated to Hallmark cards and edible underwear, right?

I mean, right?

Well, try to put that handful of Valiums you were about to swallow for a minute because you are dead wrong.

Here are some recent stories (please Google them I’m too lazy to post the links) of people who most likely will not be feeling romantic this Valentines day. So siddown and shuddup about being sad and lonely because at least you’re not…

1.).. The Cebu swat cop who caught his wife with another man in their own house.

So tough SWAT dude suspects his wife is being repeatedly comforted, in a biblical sense, by another man, brings a couple of cop friends, breaks into his own house and allegedly catches his wife in bed with another guy in the act of copulation.

In response to the allegation, the wife reported to have told the police that someone locked them inside and they were trapped for a long time so they put on Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s get it on’, then they really got it on.  Okay that Marvin Gaye bit wasn’t true. Maybe it was R Kelly, but I’m not sure.

I bet that any boy at some point wanted to become a police officer. When you’re a cop you emanate a certain brand of badassery that only a badge can deliver. But that changes when the world learns that your wife has been polishing someone else’s baton.

In your own freaking house for f*ck’s sake.

I’m actually surprised the other guy is still breathing. In any case, I doubt if  Mr. SWAT dude will be feeling romantic and festive this Valentine’s day.

2.) The teen stars of the ‘Bagito’/’Stairway to Heaven’ sex video scandal.

So high school teen couple get down and dirty at a stairs landing in their school and the it’s all caught on cam.

When you’re young your margin for error is rather wide and you can get away with almost anything.

Unless you’re caught on camera.

Having sex.

On a stairway landing.

In your school uniforms.

In your high school.

Seriously, what the holy f*ck is wrong with you young people?

This clearly goes beyond the ‘they’re young, they’re supposed to be stupid‘ logic. We get it kiddos, you’re a curious bunch and your young bodies are just brimming with hormones. And maybe occasionally with alcohol or weed or God knows what else.But for Christ’s sake couldn’t you have thought of a better place and a better time??? Where were the teachers and staff who are actually paid to make sure such things never happen? How often does things like this happen in schools all over the world? Where did the parents of these young deviants go wrong? What could have prevented such a despicable, shameful act? Is ‘Puff the magic dragon really about weed? So many questions…  but I digress.

The boy is rumored to have committed suicide upon learning that the video has gone viral, though that remains to be proven. In any case, the stigma of a sex scandal, at a very young age no less, is definitely not something anyone would want to live with. So no cutesy valentines day for these young tots.

3.) The wives and kin of the Fallen 44 SAF operatives killed in Mindanao.

I want to get serious for this entry since this sad incident is definitely not a laughing matter.

The media buzz is still ongoing and new information are still being gathered concerning this much publicized ‘misencounter’. One cannot begin to Imagine the grief felt by the people who lost husbands, sons, brothers and friends during the manhunt operation for Zulkifli Abdhir (aka Marwan), who’s on the FBI Most Wanted terrorist List, that resulted in the deaths of forty-four SAF police officers.

It is heartbreaking to think that these people will have to get by on Valentines day with mourning and grief in their heavy hearts with nothing more to comfort them but memories and photographs of their loved ones whose lips they will feel on theirs nevermore. You see the wives and family of some of the killed men getting interviewed on T.V. and you cannot help but feel, even bear, a tiny fraction of the grief that has shrouded them.

This should remind all of us that we should always cherish and appreciate the people that we love and who love us back because sadly for some people, it’s too late.

So there you have it, you self pitying, annoying bastards. I’m sure there are a lot more souls out there who are going through a lot worse, and I’m just too lazy to research them for you ugly whiners. I swear, If I have a Peso for every Facebook post I see concerning someone’s misery and misfortune of being lonely or loveless this coming Valentines day I’d have 38 pesos as of this writing. Maybe 39, I’ll have to check again later.

Seriously, it’s becoming pathetic.

Stop adding to the drama because when you think of it, some people are going through some real tragedies or some really embarrassing sh*t and you’re someplace killing yourself over a breakup or some unrequited love involving some bimbo. So if you’re not going through situations similar to those stories above, you’re actually doing great. And even if you are, the fact that you’re still breathing, reading this entry, is enough reason for you to celebrate and be happy this coming Valentines day.

And THAT’S exactly what you should do!

So go out there, treat yourself to whatever you desire and quit with the long face, unless of course it’s genetic and your face is, well, long. Try to be the happiest single person on Earth and proclaim to the world that you may be alone this Valentines day but at least you don’t have a sex video scandal that’s gonna haunt you for the rest of your life. Then drop-kick unsuspecting old people in the face and laugh your ass off as they fall down on the curb. Ok, don’t do that but do something fun that won’t get you arrested.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE!